Thursday, April 27, 2006

Here "Wii" Go Again ...

Time for more potshots at the new moniker for Nintendo's next-gen console:
  • The number of calls to Nintendo Tech Support is expected to drop dramatically ... as no man wants to admit his "Wii" is broken.
  • BREAKING NEWS: Nintendo has announced that Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy have agreed to be the new spokespeople for the Nintendo "Wii" system.
  • Addressing early problems with the system's online component, technicians admit that "What Wii have here is a failure to communicate."
  • After discovering the jokes being made at its expense, Nintendo decrees that "Wii are not amused"
  • Once the system runs its course, shipping of the consoles will not stop. Inventories will be "Wiined" down instead of simply being jacked off the shelves.
  • Much like the Xbox 360 did on MTV, Nintendo's new system will debut on ABC's The View, prompting Barbara Walters to call the console "Wiily wiily interesting."
  • MORE BREAKING NEWS: Ron Jeremy has asked to be let out of his spokesman contract with Nintendo, stating that he can't associate himself with a "Wii" anything.
  • As a part of a marketing deal with General Mills, Nintendo's new system will mark the first time a console has appeared on a box of "Wiities"
  • Online porn gets an unintentional boost when gamers search the internet for the latest footage of someone playing with their "Wii"
  • Nintendo has just announced that the Wii controller will be called the Personal Universal System Interface (spell it out people).
  • Marketing pros at Nintendo decided to use the Wii moniker after deciding that calling the system the Nintendo Phallus was just plain silly.
  • Sales on the new system are expected to decline quickly once it's discovered that adolescent males are actually going blind by playing with their Wii too much.
  • Word has leaked out that Nintendo and Microsoft will be hopping into bed with one another in a deal that will allow gamers to plug their Wii directly into a friend's Xbox. If all goes well, the two companies plan to announce the birth of a new handheld within nine months' time.

Think I'm done yet? Not by a long shot people ... we've got a ways to go before the launch, and I'm just getting warmed up.

The Death of a Revolution

It's official. Nintendo has decided to dump the "Revolution" moniker for its upcoming next-gen console. The new name, and no I'm not kidding here folks, is "Wii" (pronounced "we"). That's right ... Nintendo wants you to play with its Wii. Oh trust me, it gets worse from here. I've decided to compile a list of Wii jokes/puns/etc. here. Add your own as you see fit.
  • Nintendo should get a licensing deal with Queen. Every commercial will feature the group singing 'Wii Will Rock You' or 'Wii Are the Champions'.
  • Nintendo could instead go another route, spending its entire marketing budget to bring together various musical stars from around the world to record a theme for the new system titled, 'Wii Are The World'.
  • Watch for the following line in the upcoming instruction manual: "Plug your Wii into the nearest outlet"
  • Also from the instruction manual, regarding the motion sensitive controls: "Quickly move your hands to fire your Wii at the screen"
  • If the system launches before its planned street date, expect female gamers to be disappointed that Nintendo's Wii came prematurely.
  • Nintendo execs proudly proclaim "No one will be able to beat our Wii!!"
  • Soon after the system hits, look for Nintendo to announce a redesign with a smaller form factor, dubbed the "Wee Wii".
  • Commenting on the size of its Wii, Nintendo goes on record saying "It's not the size that matters. It's how you use it."
  • "I can't leave just yet. I'm busy playing with my Wii."
  • Trade-ins on the new system pour in, forcing retailers to limit the number of Wiis taken by employees each day.
  • Child Protection Services is suddenly overwhelmed with reports of parents touching their children's Wii.
  • Riots break out as Nintendo fanboys fight over whether they will now be known as Wii Folk or Wii-ners.
  • Nintendo has decided to launch the Wii in two colors, Yellow and Neon Orange.
  • Nintendo teams up with Merv Griffin on a new game show titled "Wiil of Fortune"
  • Local vice squads shut down Nintendo's in-store displays, which invite gamers to "Touch our Wii here"
  • The packaging for the new system will be designed to that it's easy to slip the Wii into and out of the box at any time.

Okay, okay ... I have a LOT more "Wii" jokes, but I need to take off for a bit. Add your own jokes to the list in the meantime. And before I go, I leave you with one parting thought ... if "Wii" was the best name the marketing minds at Nintendo could come up with, what in the heck do you think they REJECTED?

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Reviews and more

It's been a while since I've update. Just been swamped with trying to set up some new stuff. I have been doing some reviews for GameSpy in the meantime though. Here's the latest:

Moving right along, I finally got my taxes out ... just under the deadline. Yeah, it's not just the blog that was lagging behind due to work. Besides working on trying to set up the new magazine, I'm still pulling together some other projects and keeping up with my freelancing. I've also been setting up appointments and such for E3 and Comic-Con. With E3 just a few weeks away, it's the obvious priority.

Oh yeah ... and since the last blog entry, I've hit another milestone in life. On April 1st, I celebrated 30 years of existence. Yep ... on April Fools Day, I hit the big Three Oh. Unfortunately, the day turned out to be less than spectacular for a few different reasons (and due to a few different people). Even so, I made the most of it. Besides, in the end it's just another day ... and it just means I lived to see the Earth revolve around the sun one more time.

Anyway, there's a lot more to update on, and I WILL be making the attempt to be more frequent in those updates. In the meantime, hopefully this will whet your appetite.